


la douleur exquise

by Bondmaiden



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, WIP
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-22
Updated: 2014-02-22
Packaged: 2018-01-13 09:58:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1222006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bondmaiden/pseuds/Bondmaiden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>he's subjected to the torment of his past and his only saving grace is jude.</p>
            </blockquote>





	la douleur exquise

**Author's Note:**

> still incomplete, don't shoot me.

**HE ONCE MADE A WISH**

there's a boy who sits outside the most luxurious mansion in askold, fiddling with a light leaf clover. inside, he can see the silhouette of his mother pressed up against one of the windows and there's a man behind her, pulling her hair. he pretends he can't see what they're doing because the maid tells him they're playing "adult" stuff, but he's not stupid. he knows. so when they're playing "adult" stuff, he goes off to pluck daintily shining clovers so that he can pray for his mom and him to get the hell out of here. that's all he's been doing ever since they got here anyway.

he doesn't know though.

99 light leaf clovers.

is the symbol for the eternal.

a shadow of something falls over him and the brunet looks up.

he drops the clover.

**HE BEARS THE BURDEN NOW**

presa stares at him worryingly. he smirks back but it's a blank look, always a blank look. her lips twitch and the catgirl playfully smacks his arm, mumbling things under her breath. she's always been a bit of a cold beauty, always everyone's admiration because she doesn't hide how she got here in the first place (slavery, assassination, broken heart leads to broken mind, so she became one of _them_ ) and she's honest to herself, honest to everyone else. so when she sees Alvin that day, she's made up her mind to tell him the truth.

"Al, you have to find someone."

she leaves out the words _"pick me, and you won't have anything to worry about"_ hanging in the air, because she isn't so incorrigibly desperate for the man. but Alvin continues to stare outside the window, watching the splashing rain with the same bored look on his face, and she knows her advice faded off into meaningless wisps in the air.

so presa leaves him alone, letting him water the flowers of his thoughts, knowing that the more he spends his time growing weeds of the past, the more he'll get chained down by them.

**HE DECIDES TO GO OUT**

he's never been here before. elympios is a lot more boisterous compared to rieze maxia and he's not sure what to do with all the silence surrounding him. empty plains definitely isn't his style, that's one thing, but presa said fenmont was nearby so he takes his chances and believes in her words. sure, there are monsters nearby if he's _that_ bored, but they take one glance at him and know where they stand before his eyes, scampering all the while. he's not surprised though because he's already immune to some things by now, so Alvin sets off on a little journey by himself, following the darkening gradient of the sky. there are stars over his head by now and the wind feels a lot colder too, so he pulls his jacket closer and tries to hurry his pace.

but then there's a boy ahead of him that slows him down and Alvin's got a good mindful to tell the kid to beat it—

and then the boy turns and flashes his **golden** eyes at the brunet, and all is lost to the wind.

**HE ISN'T AWARE OF IT THOUGH**

"i don't see you around lately," rowen muses aloud, rubbing his beard. "i take it that rieze maxia is starting to grow on you?"

Alvin barks out a laugh and shakes his head, trying to keep the silly smile off his face. is it so obvious that he's not moping about in the bar anymore, drinking his life— _what is life if it cannot be measured by the word eternity?_ —away and rubs his nape, trying to build answers? but answers are hard because he hasn't discovered what it means to build proper words on his foreign tongue that has never spoken the word l███ so rowen shakes his head and places his teacup on the saucer, a smile crinkling his eyes.

"you don't have to explain anything to me, Alvin," the older man advises with a knowing chuckle, shaking his head. "it's all over your face now."

is it? is it all over his face? frankly speaking, he's not aware of any changes within himself but presa's been a lot more distant than she usually is, and now rowen's saying something ambiguous about him too. he doesn't know what to think of it, so he quirks his lips into a lopsided smile and gazes out of the window, staring at the parading puffy clouds smothering the window.

it's a good day today.

**HE MEETS NEW THINGS**

"he's called teepo," the kid explains earnestly, holding the ugly stuffed toy in his lap as if it’s the most cherished thing in this whole wide world. "i'm babysitting him for elise until she gets back from school."

Alvin tries to understand the boy's actions though, but it's proving to be difficult so far. "… so you're babysitting a stuffed toy. _right._ what's she gonna do if you don't take care of it?"

"nothing's going to happen Alvin," he laughs and it's the most brilliant sound Alvin's ever heard ever since his mother was still sane when she laughed together with him for his sixth birthday before succumbing to clinically insane madness. "she's scared that people will make fun of her if she brings him to school."

call him insensitive, but he really doesn't see that as a problem. "so what if they laugh?" the brunet shrugs, knitting his brows together. "words can't hurt you, you know?"

there's a pause in the air and the black-haired boy's eyes softened as he stares at Alvin as if he holds all of the answers in the world. one of his fingers poked teepo in his side and the doll lolls its head, beady eyes staring through Alvin like he's some sort of transparent material, not like the solid intangible mess of veins and bleeding lungs. the man feels a bit guilty for saying something like that, despite not having a single clue what's so hurtful about it, and opens his mouth—

"it does hurt," the boy says, lifting the same finger that poked into teepo's side, now pressing right against Alvin's chest. he cocks his head to the side, so soft, so dainty, so languid in his touch, and Alvin quells the urge to grab his hand and kiss his callused knuckles, but the boy cuts him to the chase and taps his fingertip against the same spot. "it hurts a lot. right here."

the human heart is so frail sometimes.

Alvin bites his lips and tastes blood, gritting his teeth together.

"… jude…"

**HE DOESN'T KNOW THIS**

"he's into a world of his own now."

"so, what's it to you?" agria snaps bitterly, not too pleased at the invasion of her room this early in the morning. she tangles her fingers together with leia and the auburn-haired girl murmurs something in her sleep before snuggling closer to the flat chest. "he's happy, leave him be. unless you're the one who's not happy."

presa sighs and makes herself at home on the edge of their bed, making agria curse colourfully under her breath. "Al's not stupid but he doesn't know this is too dangerous..."

"not dangerous if he fucks whatever that has his attention in fenmont anyway," she quips, rolling her eyes dramatically. "weren't you the idiot who told him to get a life? now you're regretting it?"

the blonde isn't sure how to phrase her words, seeing that agria's giving her the face that says she really doesn't give two shits about the brunet, so presa gets up and tosses her hair over her shoulder. "i don't do regrets," she scornfully answers, curling her lips in discontent. "but i do value a good friend and that's what Alvin is to me."

this time, agria doesn't hide her laughter and snorts her way through it, tightening her hold on leia's fingers. her eyes took a fiercer tint and there's a firmly quelled rage bubbling underneath her skin, just waiting for the time to burst through and tear herself apart.

"if you're that worried, tell him. at this rate, jude's going to snatch him away from you."

presa stiffens. she doesn't look at agria anymore, but she nods and leaves as quickly as she could. _scalded_. seconds later after the door slid shut, agria's tiny lover rouses from her sleep and rubs her eyes sleepily, her hair all tousled up and sticking out at odd angles. through shared mouthfuls of kisses and bites, she finally opens her green eyes properly and fixes an owlish stare at agria. their unspoken past of ninety-nine bruises and burned houses flash between them.

"did you say jude?"

**HE FEELS NEW THINGS**

"it's adorable how you visit him every day," milla says, sounding vaguely pleased with Alvin's achievement, even though she's got nothing to do with it. the leggy creature pours out a cup of coffee for him and slides it across the polished tabletop, setting down a napkin as well, and crosses her arms underneath her hefty breasts. "it's on the house," she adds, inclining her head when he gives her an apprehensive look. "i was the one who called you here, after all."

"thanks for the great coffee then," he mock-salutes her, adding in a wink as a special service too. but milla is milla, a woman who's very hard to be pleased, so she just stares at him, blasé, and carries on with her former job: polishing the silverware. Alvin doesn't know how to continue the conversation anymore since the silence is too awkward so he sips down some coffee and tries to clear his throat. "so what's—"

"someone else fancies jude too," she announces flatly.

he stares at her.

"i am not as dense as others perceived me, but when it comes to jude, i'm very serious about him. therefore, his well-being is utmost important to me, whether it is physically or mentally speaking."

... he finds it a bit hard to digest.

of course, the ones that he fancied before were all taken by their respective sweethearts, leaving poor ol' Alvin alone in the dumps, kicking up gravels and sleeping in the cold bed by himself. it's not surprising that someone else has got sights on jude as well, because the kid's as cute as how cute things can be, and he finds himself mocking his stupidity. stupid Alvin, never fast enough to grab someone, never good enough for anyone. stupid Alvin. stupid, _stupid_ , **stupid** Alvin. he grips the ear of the cup harder than he thought and it cracks, shedding tiny shrapnel across the glimmering marble.

milla clicks her tongue in contempt and makes haste in picking up a rag, wiping off those offending shards. "this costs more than the coffee, you know."

but Alvin's too far off in his own little world now to listen to what the café owner has to grumble and he doesn't think when he smacks down a bagful of coins before leaving in a hurry. all he knows is that he's got to hurry, he _needs_ to hurry and see jude at the talim medical school, he doesn't give a damn if he has to wait three more hours before the boy finishes his class, he just. _needs_. to. **see**. him.

just to feel the washing relief in that spot jude tapped before.

**HE TASTES NEW THINGS**

presa follows him from behind, just as swift and as silent as an assassin would. her harnessed skills are spectacular if anyone catches sight of her, but then nobody could because she's just that good in what she does. so she follows him high and low, down the stairs leading to the lotus fountain and up the stairs leaving the lotus fountain, across the bridge over the water to catch up with Alvin. the man's fast, he looks like someone had set his tail on fire, and she cringes at the thought of someone setting her tail on fire as well.

before long, he comes to a halt before a majestic-looking building with students in white pouring out at the entrance, and she assimilates herself with the surrounding, blending in effortlessly with her incognito mode. there's a wild look on Alvin's face as his eyes search for the boy he fancies, and it doesn't take long for him to see what he wants to see. but he doesn't approach the boy. presa frowns and wonders why, but soon discovers it herself.

there's a man lingering around the black-haired boy, tall, dark, and handsome, and presa frowns. isn't that—

but she pulls away before the handsome stranger catches her looking, and stares abjectly at the rippling waters instead.

she doesn't need to see any further than this to know what's going on. she's chasing Alvin but Alvin's chasing jude and someone else is also chasing jude so why isn’t anyone chasing her? why does she have to do all the chasing? is it so hard to ask someone to see her for what she's worth? her claws dig into the wooden handrail and presa chains her emotions, trying to stomp on the wretchedness flooding her conscience. if this is what depression tastes like, she can't imagine what Alvin tastes in his mouth when he sees the stranger hovering around his object of obsession.

_jealousy._

**HE SAYS THINGS HE SHOULDN'T HAVE**

it's only been two weeks since he made acquaintances with jude, but there's no rationalization in his mind.

the itch in his heart makes itself at home and he doesn't feel like it'll get out anytime soon. he sees everything in a new light now; fenmont's glowing lumen trees are distractingly annoying, the sights and sounds of couples and families gnaw away at his chipping sanity, and practically just about everything irritates him to hell and back. there's a lingering resentment bubbling in his stomach when the tapes of his mind replay the scene where jude traipses along the road with that unfamiliar man, and there're just so many things he wants to say but he couldn't. they're all so knotted, fumbled, because he's unfamiliar with the word l███

all he does is to sit in the bar again and drown himself in the heady respite of the alcoholic buzz, seeking refuge in his own solace.

everyone leaves him in the end. even leticia.

he's not surprised if jude will abandon him too.

the bartender shakes his head sympathetically at how dejected Alvin is, but he isn't capable of pouring a forgiving drink good enough for the man to forget everything. Alvin knows he looks pathetic enough, with his unshaved chin and unstable look he casts in his eyes, but appearances be damned; what's the use if he looks good but not as good enough like the man who stood beside jude? he'll never be good enough to anyone until—

a shadow hovers over him and wings fluttered.

"you pitiful, miserable thing," a syrupy voice mocks, and there's that hideous giggling the creature always does, something awful wrenched out from her throat and sounding like a strangled kitten. "you can't get him, can you?"

Alvin contemplates the consequences of punching her.

he sips his drink steadily.

"come now, your time's almost up," she goads with a knowing look from her half-lidded eyes, and he almost wanted to kick her dangling legs from underneath. as if she reads his thoughts, the eternal being floats over to sit on the bar counter and her wings toppled over several good bottles of wine, sending them crashing on the floor. there's dark liquid seeping between the cracks on the tiles now, like ruddy blood, but she pays no mind to it and leans forward, mimicking a whispering giddy gossipy l███sick schoolgirl. "you don't want to be sent back through time, do you?"

he jerks up from his stupor.

no.

she perceives the terror in his eyes as something deliriously exciting and her breathing gets heavier and heavier as she pants out the next few words with a sickening look in her glassy eyes. "you'll remember to do your best, hmm?"

he doesn't nod, but he slumps across the table. she's injected terrible images inside his head that swirls around like cloudless poison, and she doesn't regret it at all because he needed the wake-up call. without as much as missing a beat, the eternal being flutters off and leaves him to grow the poisonous weeds of his thoughts.

**HE DOES THINGS HE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE**

jude backs away with an estranged look in his eyes. standing at the doorway, Alvin's cocked a gun at him. a maddening expression filled with frustration and remorse and l███ and just the sight of it is painful enough for anyone who knows half the story. but jude doesn't know. he doesn't even know a quarter of Alvin's anecdote. all he knows is of the flirtatious stranger with a knack of pulling him close to his body and grinning from eye to eye. he hasn't seen this side—this murderous mercenary swinging a big gun and sword expertly without a flaw in his movements.

"sorry kid," he rasps out, and each step of his takes him closer to jude. "i know you're gonna hate me... but i'll do it good for you. won't even feel the pain. won't even," he pauses, hooking a finger into the knot of his scarf and throwing it aside, "won't even... forget who you did it with..."

Alvin drops the sword with a thunderous clatter on the floor and corners jude against the wall, pressing the barrel of the gun against that slim, pale throat. he plants a soft kiss to the boy's lips, seeking forgiveness, and that's the only thing he can seek for now. salvation is already long past its expiration date, twenty years ago of fallen light leaf clovers and winged shadows, and all he has now is to fulfil his mission to escape the chains of his past.

at first, what he expects is some struggle or even a light scuffle—nothing that he can't handle because jude is so small and feeble compared to him, the **monster**. but no. the student stoically stands there, eyes glazed with a misted concept, and accepts the kiss like it's a heartfelt written apology. when Alvin ventures for more, biting his lower lip and one hand digging into jude's ass, he lets him. just because. it's so confusing and the man's heart cries out from the labyrinth, but when the student reciprocates by placing a hand on Alvin's chest, that's when the restraints slip off track.

it's like unleashing an animal from within.

Alvin bites down on the column of jude's neck and the boy has the gall to whimper like he wants it, he wants _everything_ that Alvin'll do to him, even at the expense of getting his head blown off with that sick-looking gun. deft fingers unbuttoned the medic uniform and push down the heavy material, letting it drop onto the floor unceremoniously. they brush against a nipple and the student's already writhing underneath him, tossing his head back, so brave, so wanton, so needy even in the jaws of a lusting predator. jude doesn't know that he's driving Alvin insane, _insane_ with lust and grief and dejection and yearning and l███

the gun's still pressed against the boy's warm skin, but it's shaking now.

from jude's or his, he doesn't know.

all he knows is that he needs this, and if jude'll hate him afterwards, so be it. never fallen this deep before, never knew what it's like before, never thought that it’s like quicksand and he's drowned in it. never wanted to lose someone, never felt like he'll be brought to his knees, never kissed presa like how he's kissing jude now, shutting him up from all those little whines and sighs, sucking on his tongue and swallowing the moans from the simple virgin, and when they part with a fragile string of saliva connecting their lips, it's only for Alvin to dig the barrel of the gun deeper into his neck.

"please don't be scared…" he begs, screwing his eyes shut, whispering needlessly. "please… don't be scared of me…"

it's ridiculous how he can plead for someone to be unafraid of a sociopath who's very well-versed with a gun and the killing mechanics of death. so _brazen_ , Alvin knows, and even though he's not ashamed to admit that he's so hard just from kissing the very essence of what he's living for, all he wants is to—

"i'm not scared of you, Alvin," is all jude breathes out between slight panting, half-lidded eyes and a dismal smile. his cheeks are flushed warm, and fingers shakily rose to tap Alvin's chest.

where his heart is supposed to be.

if he had one.

"you are."

**HE REMEMBERS THINGS HE SHOULDN'T HAVE**

_"you can be happy, that's what i promise you."_

_happiness is a misty thing between Alvin's fingers. he's always trying to grip it, to catch it, to stuff it inside a jar of stars and hearts so that he can give it to leticia as an amulet, but no matter how hard he tries to grab it—happiness eludes him. there're so many things choked up inside his mind: uncle, mom, servants, whisperings, askold, cries, **pain** painpain, and here's this creature floating gracefully in front of him who's offering him happiness at a discount price, complete with a shortcut. but shortcuts are always dangerous._

_and young Alvin doesn't know of dangers yet._

_so he looks up at her—bright, beautiful, blue—and whispers, "you'll give happiness… to me and mom?"_

_"if you want it, i can give it to you," she breathes, a depraved look eating her heart out in her eyes. "just command me, i'll do it for you. or do you want to change your mind?"_

_he shakes his head. "no." already fiercely making up his mind at such a young age, Alvin knows no fears. "i want happiness. i want happiness for me and my mom. i want—" his voice cracks and he almost succumbs into a fit of tears and garbled words, "i want mom to get away from here and be happy with me…"_

_the wind howls and whirls around his feet._

_"yes, yes?" the winged one gasps, pinks of cherries and princessias dusting her cheeks. "say it, say it~"_

_Alvin reaches out a hand to the creature._

_the light leaf clovers swirl with the current of the wind._

_and now, it's final. "i want to be happy with my mom."_

_he can't go back now. not now, not ever._

**HE KNOWS HE CAN’T DO THIS ON HIS OWN**

"everyone has a weakness in their heart," rowen begins his preaching with a distant look in his eyes. presa stares at him like he's lost it, but surely this old man still has some uses because he's the only guy close enough to Alvin, so she presses her lips into a thin line and lets him continue. thankfully, he does, after a sip of tea. "i fell in love with a princess and i wanted everything that she could offer to me. happiness, a family, love—young hearts are truly frightful when they're determined, aren't they?"

she nods, but it doesn't mean she necessarily agrees with him. it's just to shut him up and make him continue.

"the same is for Alvin," he murmurs, stroking his beard and staring outside of the window. the same clouds parade past the prairie frames, and it takes him a while to say the next few words. "tell me presa, how old were you when you completed your mission?"

her tail swishes dangerously at the question. perturbed. "ten." presa doesn't see how this relates to the question she asked him earlier.

"so young and so impressive." he chuckles, eyes bright.

"it's not a big deal, anyone's fine for me. in the end, they're all just killing targets anyway." her patience is wearing thin and if he's not going to stop skating over the lines, she might as well just up and leave his pathetic grumblings to himself. "but i'm not here to waste my time. cut to the chase, rowen: what is wrong with Alvin?"

"you're lucky you had gaius as your overseer," rowen lackadaisically comments with an air of understanding. "he's more patient than most of the other overseers—not that we have many of them. the only ones worth mentioning are lord gaius himself, and lady milla. but alvin's always the poor one…" he sighs, shaking his head. "he's stuck with the vicious ones like muzet—the least being agria, now that she has leia with her. and the ones like muzet aren't always keen on having the wishmakers to accomplish their mission. their main aim is to make the weak ones fail, watch as they despair, and throw them back into time for the past to torment them even more."

even as a cold-blooded assassin, presa has to shiver at the thought. people who derive pleasure from watching the suffering of others are simply inhumane. she knows, she _knows_ because she's seen the disturbingly aroused look in muzet's eyes when she hovers around Alvin and pokes his mind with needles. and Alvin is the weakest of them all.

"you wanted to escape from your past of slavery and assassination, correct?"

she nods. but this time, it's more of an agreement now that he's got her attention.

"in exchange, you have to commit the same thing that you wanted to escape from. for you, it’s simple because your whole life revolves around killing others, because it is kill or be killed. for Alvin, it… is a bit more complicated."

"why so?" presa cocks her head to the side, her tail stiffening.

now, rowen has a wistful look in his eyes.

he turns away from her.

"because he has muzet as his overseer. and Alvin himself is a very, _very_ difficult man."

**BUT HE HAS TO**

_"simply put, muzet will try her best to make it hard for him."_

Alvin's running now. he's running as fast as he could, pushing past the bystanders and slamming into strangers, but he ignores their pained protests and lets his legs carry him as fast as they could. the wind's blowing into his face and he doesn't even have his coat with him, but who gives a damn about the cold when his whole body is running cold with the thought of the winged beast flying around in fenmont when jude's out for his school?

_"he wanted to leave askold because his mother was… **abused** by his uncle, am i correct?"_

he doesn't forget how he wakes up and feels the chill of an empty bed when it's supposed to be jude beside him, snuggled up together as he listens to the beating of the boy's heart.

_"muzet makes it purposefully difficult for him by setting up impossible terms that are attached to his mission."_

Alvin doesn't forget the terror poisoning his veins when he sees the written note on the bedside—the one at the top was a cutesy bubble-font saying that he's out for night time posting in the medical ward for class. and the one at the bottom is a twisted scrawl, sealed with a nude-coloured lipstick, possibly added right after jude left.

_"one: he will have to satisfy his lust by finding a partner for himself—because lust is what he hates the most when he was young. seeing his mother used as a tool like so, i'm not surprised."_

he reaches talim medical school with cold sweat dripping from his brows and questioning glances piercing his back, but he doesn't see the boy through the glass walls. jude normally hangs out at the entrance where he brings in the patients and stays behind to talk with them when they're released from the hospital, but why? why isn't he there? throat tightening and eyebrows furrowing, fists shaking and lips trembling, Alvin's got half the mind to storm into the lobby and demand to see jude when—

_"two: he needs to fall in love with his chosen partner—and this is why Alvin didn't pick you, presa. his heart isn't in it for you."_

—a strong hand grips his shoulder and Alvin turns around just in time to see the same tall, dark and handsome stranger who was seen with jude a few days ago.

_"three: his heart isn't in it for you, quite simply because Alvin doesn't have a heart. so how can he fall in love when he is incapable of having one?"_

he frowns, tightening his grip on the gun stowed inside his jacket.

_"muzet took away his heart, deprived him of all the sensations. perhaps he can feel them, but he doesn't know how to word it. even in heaven, where we are right now, where most people would feel happy and satisfied—Alvin isn't. only his mother escaped with happiness to xian du… but what about him? he's doomed to eternal apathy."_

"you have to hurry," the stranger murmurs darkly, ominous, so foreboding. "muzet got to jude first, and even though i can save him, i cannot do it. i cannot do it because he is in love with you."

_"love is what Alvin needs, and unconditional love is what jude can give to him."_


End file.
